EP. 5: Making Marriage Work: Seven Lessons from the Gottman Principles
- odettecoronel
- Oct 29
- 15 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
Conflict is bound to happen, whether you’ve been married for two years or twenty. It’s a fact of life. But how you deal with it will determine if you have a long and happy relationship, or you both throw in the towel prematurely.
Most people, in my opinion, tend to love their spouse and want to make it work. They just don’t know what to say or do to make it better. That’s why this week, we’re taking a few tips from my favorite relationship-solving book.
In this week’s episode, we're gonna be talking about how to strengthen the relationship with your partner. As a relationship coach, I know that there is a way out of the darkness, and I can help guide you through it. I’m going to be talking about how to handle conflict in a healthy way and how small daily habits can help protect your marriage from disconnection and from stress. We’re going to be diving into the seven principles highlighted in the book Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. Tune in to hear what simple tweaks you can make in your relationship to ease the stress and protect your marriage.
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Transcript: EP. 5: Making Marriage Work: Seven Lessons from the Gottman Principles
Odette: Welcome back to Life and Love by Design. In today's episode is called Making Marriage Work, seven Lessons from the Gottman Principles, Today we're gonna be talking about how to strengthen the relationship with your partner. We're gonna be talking about how to handle conflict in a healthy way and how small daily habits can help protect your marriage from disconnection and from stress. And we're also gonna be sharing a few other takeaways from the book, seven Principles from Making Marriage Work.
This book is my go-to [00:02:00] book. It's one of the best relationship books that I've ever read, and I always like to recommend it to my clients. I've also done some training with the Gottman Institute, and it's based on decades worth of research that the Gottman Institute has conducted on couples, and it's followed to these couples from early days of their relationship.
All through many years of marriage and sometimes even divorce, and based on this decade's worth of research, they were able to really pinpoint the things that successful couples did in order to make their marriages work and not just last a long time, but also be happy and satisfying.
and they also learned what couples did that ultimately led to them breaking up or not working out or getting divorced.
And these are very basic principles, but they're really foundational for any. Relationship and we'll touch [00:03:00] upon them briefly today and in the future. I wanna really dive into each one in a little bit more detail. but we're gonna start with the first one. And the first principle is enhance your love map.
And this is all about setting up a foundation of friendship in the relationship. And it's about really getting to know each other and showing fondness and appreciation towards each other. So it's about really getting to know your partner.remember, we each have our own maps of the world. This map contains our values, our beliefs, all of our experiences, our perceptions, our dreams, our goals, all of that.
And ours is gonna look different from our partners. So the more that we spend time getting to know each other, getting to know what that map looks like, the more deeply we can get to know our partners, and then we can have empathy for our partners. We can understand where they're [00:04:00] coming from, even when they do things that we don't agree with.
We'll kind of understand why they're doing it and where that came from, and they'll just make sense to us more. We'll learn to not take things personally because we understand why they think that whatever it is that they're doing or saying is okay. And this map is a living, breathing, growing thing. It's always changing because we're always changing. So yes, it's really important right from the beginning to know your partner's love map and to understand your partner. But that doesn't end once you get married and it doesn't end after the honeymoon's over either.
You have to continue to. Enhance your love maps and to get to know each other throughout your decades together because we're not the same person that we were when we first met, and we're not the face same person that we were when we first got married. We're constantly growing. We're constantly changing.
We're constantly evolving, so we have to remain curious about each other and [00:05:00] continue to get to know each other throughout our entire relationship. I think that this is a really important thing that I see that many couples today. Don't really spend enough time doing, they don't spend enough time getting to know their partners before they decide to commit to them and to start kind of forming these relationships.
They start forming these bonds a little bit prematurely without really getting to know the partner and see if what, if their map is in alignment with your map or if it's something that you can, that you even like or you want to commit to. So it's really important to. Get to know each other, to establish a friendship early on in the relationship and maintain that friendship as the foundation for all of your years together.
Now, the second principle is nurture fondness and admiration, and this is all about showing each other appreciation. It's about focusing on [00:06:00] your partner's positive qualities more than their negative qualities. It's about thinking fondly about your partner, but also letting them know it's about.
We tend to, in the beginning, notice all their PO positive qualities, but as time goes on, we kind of get used to them. We take it for granted, and we start noticing more of the things that we find annoying or irritating or negative. But to have that habit of just mentally rehearsing and remembering the positive qualities of our partner is gonna really positively impact your relationship. So instead of criticizing and noticing, you know, everything that they did wrong, just think, you know, what is it that I love about my partner? What is it that I appreciate about them? What's something that they did today that I'm really grateful for? And just ask yourself these questions and then tell them and see what happens.
Gottmans talk about the emotional love [00:07:00] bank and just like a regular bank where we put money into it, we make deposits, and sometimes we make withdrawals. While in this emotional love bank, we put in positive deposits, that means positive interactions with our partner Whenever there's a negative interaction with our partner, that's considered a withdrawal, so there needs to be a ratio of at least five positive interactions with your partner. For every one negative interaction, really, there should be more than five, but we really need at least five positive interactions to kind of counterbalance all of the negative ones When this happens, you kind of insulate your relationship and when something bad happens, you really don't define your whole relationship based on that one negative interaction or that one fight or that one conflict because you have so many other positive things in the context of that one negative thing that happened.
So [00:08:00] it doesn't really define your relationship.
And the third principle is turn towards each other instead of away. And this principle is all about making and receiving bids. It could be a bid for connection, bid for affection, bid for attention. We do these in small, tiny ways every day, and this is how we build connection. It's how we build trust, it's how we build intimacy.
When we offer bids for connection and they're accepted, then that builds trust. That builds connection. But when we. Our partners make a bid for connection or affection or attention, and we turn away that makes them feel rejected, and that kind of erodes trust and it erodes connection. And remember, without that emotional intimacy and connection, you won't have that sexual intimacy or connection.
So it's really important to pay attention to these bids for connection
really impacts the [00:09:00] friendship, it impacts your ability to communicate and interact and just really affects the whole relationship. So, for example, it could be something as simple as if I put my hand out and I ask my husband, you know, put my hand out to hold my husband's hand, that's a bid.
That's a bid for connection or it's a bid for affection. If my husband refuses to hold my hand, that means that he's turning away and I'm gonna feel rejected if he turns away. And that's gonna probably lead me to not just feel rejected, but it's gonna lead me to not make more bids for connection in the future.
And it's just gonna kind of slowly, it's a small, tiny, little act, but it can slowly grow and form a wedge between each other. Or if you're. Partner comes home and shares some news about something that happened at work, but you know, you're busy with the kids or you're doing, you know, the dishes or housework, and you just, you don't really have time to listen and you're, you're [00:10:00] kind of consumed in what you are doing.
You're not really trying to hurt your partner, but your partner may receive that as, you know, she's not interested in me. She doesn't care what's happening in my world. So that small, tiny act of not acknowledging what your partner, when your partner's trying to share with you can really damage the relationship, even though that's not your intention.
So we wanna be aware and notice when our partners are making bids for connection and we want to make sure that we receive them, we accept them, and we respond to them, and we wanna make a conscious effort to make more bids for connection or affection Or attention?
So I want you to ask yourself, how do I normally respond to bids for connection from my partner? Then I also want you to ask yourself, what are some small ways that I can start making more bids towards my partner and also turning towards my partner when my partner is making bids to [00:11:00] connect with me?
The fourth principle is let your partner influence you.
Remember, marriage is a partnership. It's really crucial to respect your partner's perspective and be willing to compromise. Couples who practice mutual influence. They really are the happiest. They really focus on what really matters in a relationship with which is just feeling heard, feeling understood, and trusting each other. This is really about trust. When we accept influence from our partners, even if we don't fully agree, even if we're not sure if it's gonna work out, but we kind of, it shows that we trust them.
I always like to remember this quote by Dr. Phil, which I don't remember exactly how it goes, but he talks about couples that are having an argument, and if you focus on winning the argument, that means that there's gotta be a winner and there's gotta be a loser. And Dr. Phil says, you know, I don't wanna be a loser and I don't wanna be married to one either.[00:12:00]
So either way, when you're focused on winning an argument, then there has to be a loser and then someone's gonna be unhappy, and it's only gonna create disconnection in the relationship as opposed to feeling that you're a team and having a win-win situation, and accepting influence from your partner and trusting that everything's gonna be okay, even if you're not gonna do things the way that you think is best. So instead of insisting that this weekend you go to the restaurant that you really wanna go to, consider maybe going to the restaurant that your partner wants to go to. Just maybe this week be a little bit more mindful and ask yourself, where can I accept more influence from my partner this week? How does it feel to allow yourself to kind of give up a little bit of control and be guided by your partner? I know for me sometimes, you know, we have to make so many decisions throughout our day constantly, that sometimes it kind of feels good to just let someone take the lead sometimes, and make the [00:13:00] decisions and trust them that they're gonna make the right decision. Not all the time, but sometimes, right?
We take terms. It's a mutual acceptance of influence.
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Principle number five is solve solvable problems. [00:14:00] You know, according to the Gottman's, 69% of problems in a relationship are actually not fixable. That's true for happy, successful long-term marriages or relationships. And it's also true of unhappy relationships or relationships that eventually break up.
It's just, it is what it is. It's how we handle these things and learning to fix. The ones that are fixable and the ones that are fixable are usually more situational. Like, you know, who's gonna cook dinner tonight? Or who's going food shopping? Who's gonna take the kids to school? We can learn to address these small conflicts in, and we can learn to address these small conflicts in ways that are gentle, that are not harsh, that are respectful, so that they don't turn into something bigger. And so that resentment doesn't. Form.
So little things like maybe creating a [00:15:00] plan for how you are going to run your household, or how you're gonna handle chores, or making sure that you set boundaries so that you understand. What's acceptable in your marriage or in your household and what's not. All of these things can prevent from problems from escalating and turning into something bigger, and it will help you fix problems in a way that's respectful and peaceful and calm
and it's really important to remember that it's normal to have conflict sometimes in a relationship.
you know, as a matter of fact, another great relationship expert, Dr. Terry Real, he says that. The natural state of any relationship is harmony, disharmony, and then repair. So it's, it's impossible to not argue.
It's impossible to always be in agreement and always be in harmony. It's completely normal occasionally to sometimes fall into disharmony, but the key is to be able to repair quickly and. The best things to [00:16:00] remember in terms of how to repair quickly is to avoid what Dr. Gottman calls the for horsemen of the apocalypse.
And these are things that if you do them regularly, if they're a natural part of your relationship consistently, they can really lead to. Breakup or divorce. And the marriages that are more successful, according to their research really do a good job of avoiding these four horsemen of the apocalypse.And they are criticism, defensiveness, stone walling, and contempt. So those four, maybe I will get into them in a little bit more depth in a future episode, but we all occasionally might do some of these, some of the time. But it's when this is a natural part of your dynamic of every time you argue, you engage in some of these behaviors and that's really not useful.
It's really not healthy for your marriage or your relationship, and it's really gonna. Lead to [00:17:00] a breakdown of the relationships you wanna avoid engaging in those behaviors. You also wanna remember that the way that you start a conversation is gonna determine how that conversation ends. So even when you are going to address a conflict or a problem, you wanna make sure that you have kind of managed your own emotions and your your own state, and that you're able to start that conversation in the way that's calm and gentle and not harsh, and not in a way where the partner is going to feel attacked.
And that's gonna be a more effective way to. Communicate and to hopefully understand each other and fix the problem that is fixable.
So ask yourself what small. Solvable problem. Can we talk about and tackle together this week?
and how can we approach it in a way that's calm and collaborative?
Now when you're not able to solve your solvable problems, it could lead to gridlock, and that's [00:18:00] where the sixth principle comes in, overcoming gridlock. Gridlock is when a problem is deeply rooted. It's not just about winning an argument, it's not something that's going to be solved. You're just, you're really stuck in your. Opinions in your perspective, and you're just, it's literally gridlock. Think about when you're stuck in traffic and no one is moving forward.
that can happen with your problems or conflicts as well. You just get stuck in where you are without ever really solving them. So these are more serious problems, like where do you wanna live? Let's say one partner really wants to move to another city, or one partner wants to start a family and the other one doesn't.
or if there was a betrayal in the relationship or maybe someone had an affair and the partner that made that mistake is sorry and does wanna move forward and does want forgiveness, but the other partner just can't find a way to forgive [00:19:00] and can't really move forward.
That's an example of gridlock. You know, sometimes these problems feel so overwhelming. They feel impossible to solve. They feel they really, really weigh us down. And the best way to. Handle these types of problems. The thing that successful couples do or happier couples do is that they look at the problem as something separate from each other, and they approach it in a way that's the partners, you and I against the problem.
How do we handle this issue, this conflict, this problem, as opposed to looking at each other as, you know, you are the problem. We have this problem and it's all your fault. It's because of you. That's gonna continue the gridlock. If you look at each other as you know, you are the partner, but if you can approach it from the perspective of, this problem is something separate from us, this problem is [00:20:00] that you and I, as partners, as a team can look at and can work towards figuring out together, or at least managing it and being okay if it's not completely solved.
I mean, there are certain things that cannot be completely solved and. If you're able to find a way to manage it and to just kind of live with it and it's gonna come up, but you're able to manage it and find a way to deal with it together as partners and remembering how much you love each other. And also looking at, you know, when it comes to the problem, what is it that's behind it?
So if it's something where you are disagreeing with your partner on and you're really trying to understand their perspective, you just can't, you know, think about it, what is behind. Whatever it is that they believe about the problem. Like what's the deeper value that they have or what's the deeper dream that they have?
What is the meaning that they're giving to moving to that city? Why is it so important for them to start the family? [00:21:00] Or, you know, why can't she just forgive me for making that mistake? It was a, it was just a mistake. Well, for you it might just be a mistake, but for her it might be something different or vice versa.
So it's really understanding what's behind it can help you kind of just not solve the gridlock, but manage it. Sometimes it's just about managing the problem.
the seventh principle is create shared meaning, and this is about building rituals and traditions and having goals that really give meaning and purpose to your relationship. Couples who have a shared culture or shared traditions, even if they have, if they come from different cultures, but they create something new together, they feel closer, they feel more resilient, and they really feel that they understand each other more. AndIt could be something small like having coffee together, just the two of us, and having some quiet conversation together every morning during coffee. Or it could be having your weekly date [00:22:00] nights, or it could just be your shared, you know, holiday traditions or different ceremonies. Uh, my husband and I last year celebrated our.
25th wedding anniversary and we had a vow renewal ceremony and it was very private. It was just the two of us and our immediate family, but it was so special and that small little ceremony for us was really meaningful. So doing little meaningful things like that, having reasons to celebrate, having shared goals, having traditions, those things strengthen the relationship.
They strengthen the family bonds, so it's important to have them. So think about what traditions or rituals could strengthen your relationship and the bonds in your family, and how can you intentionally create more meaning and more purpose in your everyday life?
so these are the lessons that I've learned and I wanted to share with you on the Gottman principles. And they remind us that love is not just about passion, it's [00:23:00] about friendship. It's about. Appreciation. It's about fondness. It's about knowing how to solve problems, and it's about creating shared meaning and shared purpose and goals together, and that it's really the small, consistent actions that we do on a daily basis that really have the biggest impact on our relationship.
Remember, no marriage is perfect, but the key is intention, curiosity, and practice.
if this episode resonated with you and you'd like some help or some guidance applying these principles to your own marriage or your own relationship or. Go to ed cornell.com and book a free introductory session with me. I work with individuals one-on-one, and I also work with couples.
And you don't have to figure it out alone, and you don't have to wait till there's a serious conflict in the relationship or a problem. You can be proactive and you can start applying these principles, right.
Until next time. Remember that your [00:24:00] life and your love are yours to design.
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