EP. 6: The Way You Talk To Me
- odettecoronel
- 3 days ago
- 13 min read
Communication is a huge part of whether or not we have happy and healthy relationships. Not only because communication is a part of our daily lives, but it also builds every kind of intimacy we have. Emotional, mental, and physical intimacy all hinge on how we speak to each other.
So when we’re out of touch with our partner, it can feel like the entire relationship is out of whack. You want to fix it, but you don’t know how, you don’t know what to say, and you don’t know why what you’re saying isn’t getting through to your partner. So what can you do when it feels like nothing is working?
In this week’s episode, we’re going to talk about how to address our needs and frustrations efficiently and with care. The way we talk to each other is our daily foundation for our relationships. If we ever want to build our emotional, mental, and physical connection, we have to start with our communication.
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Transcript: EP. 6: The Way You Talk To Me
Welcome back to Life and Love by Design. Today's episode is called The Way You Talk to Me, and it's about communication that connects. I work with individuals and couples on how to have better relationships, how to improve their marriage, and the topic of communication comes up all the [00:02:00] time. And communication is not just about the words that we use, it's about how we speak, how we show up, and how we listen as well.
So in today's episode, I want to talk about what healthy, emotionally intelligent communication really looks like in relationships. And we're gonna talk about research based on the Gottman Institute, and also we're gonna talk about some frameworks for communicating better based on Imago Dialogue, which was created by Dr.
Harville Hendricks. So communication is really one of the most powerful and misunderstood parts of a relationship, and that's true whether it's a romantic relationship, a relationship with family members, with coworkers, with friends, with colleagues, with your employees. It's not just about what we wanna communicate, but the culture of communication that we've created, and it's gonna [00:03:00] determine all of this is gonna determine whether there's true connection and understanding, or whether that relationship ends up breaking down.
So I wanna help you understand why conversations with your partners sometimes spiral and how to turn those moments into opportunities to really connect rather than disconnect. So I wanna start off by setting the intention and I will invite you to do the same. I want you by the end of this episode to really walk away with tools to help you.
Deescalate conflict before it becomes destructive. And I want you to learn how to speak to your partner in a way that your partner can hear you. And I also want you to be able to listen to your partner in a way that your partner feels safe and accepted. Let's start off by talking about why communication tends to break down. Very first thing that I [00:04:00] wanna talk about is the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and again, this is based on the Gottman's decades of research on things that make relationships breakdown. Couple that end up either. Breaking up or getting divorced, or if they stay together, they're really in unhappy or unsatisfying marriages or relationship.
So let's start with an example. Let's say that your partner comes home from work and goes right into the bedroom and on their phone, and you say to your partner, you know, you don't care about me. All you ever do is go on your phone. You're so selfish, you don't care about anyone but yourself. So. How is your partner gonna respond if you were to say that to them?
Well, chances are that your partner is gonna respond in a way that's defensive and they're gonna say, that's not true. Why are you saying that to me? I don't, I'm not selfish. I'm, I pay attention to you. [00:05:00] I'm with you every morning. Or I, we have dinner together every day. What about you? You're always, you know, out with your friends or you're always working and.
Your partner gets defensive because when you criticize, the partner receives that as an attack, and when we feel attack, the natural response is to wanna protect or defend ourselves and deflect even from. The real issue or not take responsibility. So it's really, both of these are not useful, and criticism and defensiveness are the first two horsemen of the apocalypse.
So with criticism, you are really attacking the person's character, like there's something wrong with them, like your partner is the problem. Rather than the behavior. So it's okay to complain about the behavior and you know, not be happy about whatever your partner is doing, but you really wanna focus on like why that's [00:06:00] bothering you.
What is your need behind however it is that you're feeling? What is it that you're feeling? So you wanna start the conversation by saying, you know, I feel neglected when you go on your phone as soon as you come home from work. Or I feel like you don't care about me and I feel sad when you do that. Or you know, I miss you and I wanna spend time with you.
Like, what is your feeling? What's your need? What is your desire? That's what you wanna start with. That's what you wanna focus on, because chances are your partner isn't trying to make you feel this way. Your partner may not even realize that this is how you feel, but we can't assume that they know or that they should know.
We have to take responsibility for how we feel. We have to take responsibility for how, what we need, and what we want, and express that and communicate that with our partner. And if we do it by focusing on the need or the desire, or they [00:07:00] want or the want, chances are your partner's gonna be more open to listening to you because they're not gonna feel attacked and they're not gonna wanna get defensive.
If you are the listener in this situation and you notice that your partner is criticizing you, I know it's not easy, but take a moment and see if you can find, rather than getting defensive, see if you can find the need or the desire or the feeling behind the attack and see if you can kind of dig a little bit deeper.
I know that that's not easy because when we feel it's attacked, the natural thing is to wanna protect ourselves and defend ourselves. But remember, this is our partner that loves us. They're just feeling neglected in the moment or whatever it is that they're feeling. So criticism and defensiveness are the first two of the four horsemen.
The next one is contempt. So contempt is very similar to criticism, but it adds a layer of like superiority or [00:08:00] like you're smarter than your partner, or you're better than or than them, or you know more than them. So it might include like some eyerolling or some sarcasm or maybe some name calling, like, oh, you're so selfish, or You're so stupid.
Or You always do that, or you don't even know any better. So when you add that contempt, that is probably the worst. Out of all the, uh, four horsemen of the apocalypse, that is the number one predictor of divorce. So you wanna be really aware of when you are speaking to your partner or to anyone in a way that shows contempt.
And then the natural reaction or the typical reaction when someone speaks to us with contempt is to stonewall. Sometimes we don't even bother to get defensive. The partner, your partner might just completely shut down, disengage, and not communicate. And that might happen because your partner might feel just overwhelmed.
[00:09:00] Or just flooded with emotions or even get so upset that they don't even know how to respond. So they just completely shut down. And that's really not useful either, because again, you're not communicating and you're not connecting if you're not communicating. So those are the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and you want to make sure that you avoid them. If you do notice that any of these horsemen show up in your relationship, notice them and see them as red flags. They don't necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed. It's okay if now and then. They show up in your relationship, but we wanna make sure that we notice it when it's happening and that we realize, okay, I'm feeling dysregulated and I need to just, you know, take a moment to pause, to breathe and really reset before I reengage with my partner, and make sure that we're not doing this as a normal, you know, everyday typical part of our dynamic. You want to avoid the [00:10:00] four horsemen as much as possible. So how do you communicate in a way that connects? So, number one, again, you wanna make sure that you avoid the four horsemen and that you start a conversation in a [00:11:00] way that's gentle and soft, and from a space of love. Vulnerability. You wanna make sure that you are using I statements rather than you. You wanna focus on how you're feeling and you wanna start off by being clear on what it is that you need or what it is that you feel, or what it is that you want, what it is that you want to communicate or express.
See if you can get clear on that as the speaker and. I'm gonna go over with you what's called Imago dialogue. Again, that was created by Dr. Harville Hendricks, and this is a framework where the listener, number one, the listener, mirrors back to the speaker what it is that they heard. So you literally say, you know what I heard you say was that you feel neglected or you feel abandoned.
When I come home from work and I go straight to my phone. So that's mirroring. Next, you wanna [00:12:00] show validation. You wanna show your partner that what they're saying and how they feel really makes sense to you. So you wanna say to your partner, you wanna validate their feelings. You wanna say, oh, I can see that you, that makes sense to me.
You know, I can see that you're feeling neglected. That makes sense. You've had a long day as well, and you need to vent. You need to talk. Whatever it is when you wanna validate how your partner is feeling. And then the third, you wanna connect with them emotionally by showing empathy. So you wanna say, you know, I can really imagine how upsetting that must be for you.
Or I can imagine how that, how frustrating it must be for you. So you wanna literally try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and show empathy for your partner's experience. So it's not about. Saying that, oh yeah, you're right. I agree with you. It's just about understanding how they feel, showing them that you [00:13:00] understand how they feel and that they're not crazy or ridiculous for feeling that way.
You understand? That's the real goal in communication. It's really just to understand each other. You know, I was working with a couple and they were having a lot of issues around boundaries, you know, different, different situations. But they all, we were all drawn a common theme of boundaries. When they were able to really communicate and express how they were feeling, when they were able to really listen and mirror back to each other how they were feeling and validate each other's feelings and experience, and really have empathy from one another, then that's when they really started to connect.
Emotionally and become closer. And then that resentment that they were starting to feel really started to dissipate because they've really started to really get each other and understand where the other person was coming from. And that's what is really valuable about communicating. You wanna make sure that you blend [00:14:00] both of the frameworks, the Gottman, with the Imago dialogue. You wanna start with the soft, gentle, loving startups and you wanna mirror back to one each other, to one another and show empathy. And together these are gonna shift from attack to defend to really atone or a feeling of connection and understanding. Another way to build connection is to give and receive bids. Bids for connection, bids for affection, bids for attention. And we do these every day, all day long in small, tiny ways. And. They're just little simple ways to connect with one another emotionally. And it could be something really simple like, Hey, I saw this funny video on Instagram today.
Check it out. And you're sharing it with your partner or by saying, you know, I had a really rough day today at work and my, my boss [00:15:00] was a nightmare. That's a bid. Or saying, Hey, do you wanna watch a show with me tonight? Or do you wanna go for a walk? These are all little tiny bids, which seem kind of small and meaningless, but they're really an attempt to connect with our partner or to get attention or to get some affection, and that's offering a bid or making a bid.
Now, the response, your partner can either turn towards you and that means that they respond with interest. So if you show them a funny video, they're like, oh, cool. That is funny. Yeah, I saw it too. That's, it was, it was great. Or if, they turn away from you, that's another option they can turn away from you, which would be to completely ignore you and not pay attention when you make that bid for connection.
Or they can turn against you, which would be to react, you know, like by being irritated or annoyed, like, I don't have time for that. I don't wanna watch that right now. So when you turn away [00:16:00] from your partner's bid for connection, or when you really turn against their bid, that's really damaging to the relationship because your partner's left feeling rejected or unloved, or doesn't get that affection or that connection that they're craving.
So you wanna make sure that you are aware and you're paying attention to your partner's bid. For connection or affection or attention or whatever it may be, and that you turn towards them when they do make these bids. And you want to be more intentional about making more bids because these bids are what create more intimacy and more connection in your relationship. It's these really small. Micro moments of connection that really, really lead to the most intimacy and the most stronger, happiest relationships long-term. I'm gonna invite you to try this conscious communication [00:17:00] exercise tonight with your partner. First of all, pick a topic that's kind of neutral, not a fight that you've had a hundred times or a topic that's really touchy in your relationship. Pick something neutral. I'll give you an example. let's say that your partner comes home and, you know, leaves his socks on the floor all the time, right?
That's kind of neutral. It's, you know, maybe it might be a big issue in some relationships, but I think in general it's, it's kind of safe. So that's the topic. Your partner. Leaves his socks on the floor after work in the evening, So I want you to practice sharing that with each other and then mirroring back with each other. So first of all, you're gonna share it in a way that's avoiding the four horsemen of the apocalypse. So rather than saying. You know, you're so selfish. You always leave your socks all you know on the floor.
When you come home from work, that's disgusting. What's wrong with you? Right? Rather than saying that, [00:18:00] that would be an example of criticism or even contempt. I'm gonna start gently and from a space of love, and I'm gonna start with using I statements. You know, I feel. Unappreciated when you leave your socks on the floor, because I like to have the, the room tidy.
And when you leave your socks on the floor, it shows me I feel like you don't care. And, you don't respect that I want the room tidy, or you assume that I'm gonna clean up after you so I feel unappreciated. or like, you don't respect me. That's how I feel. So I'm saying that. I'm not attacking my partner, I'm just saying it from a space of love, how I feel.
So now this next step would be for my partner to then mirror back to me what I just said. So my partner would say something like, so what I hear you say is that you feel unappreciated or. disrespected when I [00:19:00] leave my socks on the floor because you really, it's important to you to have the room tidy.
And when I do that it, it almost gives you the message like that I don't care, or I don't support you, or I don't appreciate you. So that's an example of marrying back. And then the next step would be for my partner to then validate. What I'm feeling. So say, oh, I can see how that would bother you, or I can see how that would make you feel unappreciated or disrespected.
So that's validating how I feel. And then the third step would be for my partner to show empathy. I was like, wow, that must be really frustrating for you. Right? My partner has to really get into my shoes and think about what it must feel like for me. When he does that behavior, right, what that experience is like for me.
And then once you practice this exercise and then come up with another topic that your partner could then take terms, you know, expressing how he feels, and then you [00:20:00] mirror back to him. So you do it, you know, both ways. And then just the purpose of this is really just to have, do the exercise. It's a little experiment, and see what you learn from it.
Talk about it, reflect on what it was like as the person that expresses how they were feeling, and then reflect what it was like as the listener. What was that like for you as the listener? Talk about it. Remember that it's all about understanding one another, and this is what's going to reestablish that safety, the safetiness to connect the safetiness to be vulnerable.
Right, the safetiness to talk about what you want and what you need, and this is what's going to really, really rebuild the trust and the connection. Communication is really about trying to increase that connection and the emotional intimacy, and they're all connected when we're able to feel understood. That builds [00:21:00] connection. And when we build connection, that's where that emotional intimacy starts to really grow. And once we have that emotional intimacy, then we can really have fulfilling physical intimacy.
But they're all connected. They all build upon one another. And it's really less about finding the perfect words. It's really about creating the right climate. That climate of. Love of acceptance of curiosity instead of criticism of empathy instead of ego, and of intention instead of reaction. And this is what's gonna help you connect, and it's gonna really help you cultivate that space of love and acceptance. Every single conversation that you have with your partner can either build a wall or it can build a bridge. You get to decide which one you build.
so if you found this episode helpful, please share it with your partner or share it with your friend that needs a little bit of relationship [00:22:00] insight or motivation If you'd like more guidance, I do work with couples on helping them rebuild trust and communication and intimacy in their relationship.
Go to odette cornell.com for more information or to book your free introductory session with me today. So until next time, remember that your life and your love are yours to design. [00:23:00]
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