EP. 7: How to Reignite the Spark in Your Marriage

We will all go through hot and cold phases in our marriage. It’s inevitable. Whether you're exhausted from chasing around the kids or you feel like you’re stuck in the roommate phase, there will be long stretches of time where you look around and realize the spark is gone. And on top of that, you have no idea how to get it back. 

I want you to know that this is more normal than you think. Life is not like the movies; we don’t always have the same level of romance in every phase of our relationship. But if you feel like it’s time to get the spark back, then we can do it together. 

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about how to reignite the spark in your marriage. We’re also going to talk about how to keep that spark alive once you’ve found it. Relationships take a little bit of work, just like everything else in life. So let’s get you two back together and fix this disconnect in your marriage. 

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Transcript: EP. 7:  How to Reignite the Spark in Your Marriage

Odette: Welcome back to Life and Love by Design. I'm your host, Odette Cornell, and today's episode is called How to Reignite the Spark in Your Marriage. And I'm very excited about this episode because it's a topic that comes up very often with my clients. You know, I'm a relationship coach and I work with individuals and couples, but it also comes up in my friend groups.

Or with other moms. It's just something that's very common. You know, that idea of losing the spark in the marriage. So today what I wanna talk to you about is we're gonna talk about, first of all, what it is that we mean by the spark, and we're gonna talk about how it is that we lose it. We're gonna talk about why it's important that we keep that spark alive.

And then I'm [00:02:00] also gonna share with you how to reignite the spark in your relationship. So if you've been married for a while or if you've been in a long-term relationship, do you ever have moments when you feel kind of disconnected from your partner? Maybe you feel kind of bored, not excited to see each other. Maybe you feel a little bit disconnected like you're not. As in tune with each other as you once were.

Or maybe you are just kind of going through the motions and you're on autopilot and you've fallen into a routine or a rut. It could be that you're just exhausted from work and the kids, or just life in general and you stopped prioritizing each other. Maybe you've noticed that you're not as affectionate as you used to be.

Maybe you don't, uh, hug and kiss or maybe even have sex as often as you used to. These are all examples of losing the spark. This is what we [00:03:00] mean by losing that spark. So, uh, if you think about it in the beginning of a relationship, when we first meet someone, there's a spark, right? That's that chemistry that happens, that attraction that happens, and we're, you know, excited to see each other.

We're thinking about each other in between. We're more playful and we're using our imagination because we're like wondering, you know, when are we gonna see them again? Or we are wondering, you know, what our future might look like with them. And there's just a, physical attraction, but there's also like an emotional attraction, a connection, and an attachment.

And we're just, it's new and it's exciting, but then over time. We've got different kinds of demands in life. We have, you know, like I said before, we've got bills, we've got work, we've got a lot of logistical things because we've merged our lives together. So now we're partners in life, which life can be challenging and life can be [00:04:00] monotonous.

We're not just spending time together when we're scheduling it for fun. We're kind of spending life together, just doing everyday monotonous. Things, and over time that can get a little bit, um, I don't like to use the word boring, but maybe you, there's too much certainty in the relationship and over time, you might start to feel like roommates instead of husband and wife or lovers or, or romantic partners. 

maybe you notice that you yourself are kind of starting to feel low or just starting to feel overwhelmed with life and just exhausted all the time, even outside of your relationship. You know, so we start to feel kind of disconnected and maybe we stop communicating as much as we used to. Maybe conflicts come up, or little annoyances even come up and we don't address them properly, or we don't really get to a point of repair. We just kind of ignore it. And when we ignore things, they don't go [00:05:00] away.

They stay there and they fester and could start to build resentment. So that's another contributing factor. You might have some underlying resentment there that is adding to the disconnection. And of course, if you've got resentment and disconnection. You're not gonna feel close to your partner. 

and that's another way that that spark starts to fade. You know, in the beginning you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you're dating, you're the lover, right? And it's something happens when we go from that to being the husband and wife, Or even if you're not married, but you're in a committed long-term relationship, something happens where you're mentally, where you're not like the new person that you're dating, the the girlfriend, the boyfriend.

And I feel like that identity shift also contributes how you think about each other, that that difference in identity contributes to diminishing that spark in the in the marriage.

so if [00:06:00] that's happening to you right now, or if that has happened to you at some point in your relationship. There's no reason to freak out. It's totally normal. It doesn't really mean that the relationship is doomed or that you know everything. You're gonna go, you're gonna get divorced or something.

Awful is gonna happen, but it is something that you don't wanna ignore, right? You wanna pay attention to it, and you wanna do something about it. You know? It's really important to keep that spark alive because essentially when we talk about spark, we're talking about that emotional connection. Excitement, the attraction, the playfulness, that connection, and we need that.

That's essential. It's not optional. It's essential. In order to be in a relationship with someone long term, it's what's gonna really insulate. Your marriage or your relationship against all of the challenges that you're gonna face in life. It's that emotional connection, that emotional intimacy, which of course [00:07:00] leads to sexual intimacy.

You can't have sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy and emotional connection. They're all related. They're all connected, right? They all build off of each other, so they're all equally important. in order to have a long-term satisfying and successful marriage or relationship, and that special bond and connection and spark that you have with each other is something special that's reserved just for the two of you. It's not something that you have with your friends or any other family member or hopefully anybody else in your life. It's something special that you share together and you wanna be able to maintain that because that's what makes you the special person that you are, your romantic partner or your lover or your, or your husband or wife, And not just a friend or a roommate, or just a partner. This spark. You know, it keeps the friendship alive. It [00:08:00] keeps the fun in your marriage. It keeps that excitement in your relationship and it really helps to build resilience because you're able to find your way back to each other. And you feel like, you know, this is my person, this is a person that chose me. This is the person that I chose. It just contributes to feeling safe, to those feelings of trust, of feeling accepted and appreciated and validated. All of those things come into play with that spark because again, that spark is about all the, all those forms of connection that I mentioned before. And I get it. It's not easy. You know, I've been married for a very long time and I can remember, especially when my children were younger, I just remember feeling so overwhelmed and so exhausted all the time that I felt like everybody, you know, was wanted something from me. And when it came to my marriage, it was just one more thing I had to do.

It just felt like. One more thing I had to take care of, or one more thing [00:09:00] I had to pay attention to, and it was just exhausting. I remember I had moments like that, 

So I know I get it, and it's totally normal. It's going to happen. Chances are it will happen. It's very rare if it doesn't. But, again, you wanna be aware of it. You wanna pay attention to it, and you wanna do something about it.

So what can you do? What are the things that you can do in order to reignite the spark in your marriage? Well, the very first thing that I want you to think about is I want you to make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Remember who you are and your own energy, whatever it is that you're going through, that's what you bring to your relationship.

So ask yourself, you know, have I lost my own spark? Are you feeling overwhelmed and tired? Are you feeling a lack of self-esteem or a lack of confidence? What is it that you are feeling? If you can take the time to really nurture yourself, pay attention to yourself. Make sure that you are giving yourself what you need.

[00:10:00] Then you can show up in your relationship fully present. Remember, you can't give from an empty cup, so make sure that you're replenishing yourself and you are reigniting your own spark. And the next thing that I want you to pay attention to is [00:11:00] communication. Make sure that you're communicating with your partner. A lot, all the time. Be honest. Make sure that you're speaking to each other in a way that's kind and curious. Make sure that you talk about how you're feeling. Maybe you let them know, listen, I'm feeling really tired, I'm feeling depleted, or I'm feeling like.

We're starting to feel more like roommates than lovers, and it's making me kind of nervous, you know, talk about it, because awareness really is the first step Before we can do anything about it, we have to be aware of it. So talk to your partner. Let him or her know that you miss him, or you miss her.

Let him know that you're feeling a little bit disconnected. so make sure that you're communicating openly and honestly.  I can't stress that enough. And you build emotional intimacy by sharing your thoughts, your feelings, you know, being vulnerable with each other in, in, in little ways. And, you know, I spoke.

In [00:12:00] one of my prior episodes, about making bids for connection and making sure that you are accepting those bids for connection or affection or attention, whatever it may be. So make sure that you're doing a lot of that 'cause that builds emotional intimacy, that builds connection. And by the way, watch that episode.

I think it's episode five. which talks about seven lessons from the seven principles for making marriage work because everything in that episode, is applies to and is really helpful in keeping the spark alive. So I just wanted to make sure that I remembered to say that 

Also, you know, think about it, what worked in the beginning of a relationship and, you know, we can't go back there. And the key is not to go back there, but if you remember, you know, in the beginning of a relationship, we really paid a lot of attention to each other. So make sure that you're paying a lot of attention to each other, that you're showing affection, that you're flirting and you are, [00:13:00] sharing little kisses and little hugs that you're cuddling lots and lots of.

Physical touch lots and lots of non-sexual touch, like massages or, you know, rubbing each other's back, just anything, holding hands, all of those things every time we, we touch. 

those small things really add up. And I also want you to think about pleasure, and what I mean by pleasure is non-sexual pleasure. What are the things that you enjoy that your partner does for you? What do you enjoy doing for your partner in, again, in non-sexual ways? 

And show each other appreciation. Make sure that you notice what your partner is doing right and that you tell him. Make sure you're not taking each other for granted. Be interested in each other's world. You know, we don't have to have the same interests necessarily. It's fine if we do, but you don't necessarily have to have the same [00:14:00] interest, but you should be interested in what your partner's interested in, in terms of like let him or her share with you. About their interest.

It doesn't mean that you're interested in it as well, but you enjoy hearing your partner speak with enthusiasm about whatever it is that they're excited about, and you wanna make sure that you're a part of it, that, that you show interest in their world. Make sure that you are intentional with your time, intentional with reigniting the spark like you, you have to. It doesn't just happen. You have to do it with intention. With purpose, you have to decide to do it. Remember, when you're in a long-term relationship, you're choosing each other every single day.

So you need to choose to keep that flame alive. You can't just wait because you're not, you don't feel like it. You have to create a dynamic or an atmosphere where you are keeping that spark alive, where you are playful and [00:15:00] loving and affectionate. You make time for each other, maybe even schedule date nights on the calendar and you know, you can get creative.

 I remember again, when my kids were little, I didn't have time to go on dates.So we created our own dates and they were at home maybe.

But, you know, you, can create those special moments. You can be creative, and you wanna add novelty to your life. I know that it's hard when you're in a routine and, and a lot of life is the same and it's pretty predictable. But you can take a dance class, try something new, you know, a new cooking class, or just go for a walk in a different park than you're used to.

Or maybe, meet for lunch unexpectedly, or breakfast. Just add a little bit of novelty to the relationship and, you know, be creative.

And the last thing is I know that I said to engage in plenty of non-sexual touch [00:16:00] and non-sexual pleasure. But I will say that it's really important to prioritize having sex with your partner because a sexual connection really is a form of emotional bonding, and it also strengthens that emotional intimacy and that emotional connection.

So make sure that you are prioritizing that. 

so there's a, a sex expert, an author, her name is Emily Nagasaki. She's got great books on relationships and, sex. And she says, you know, we watch movies and TVs and it shows that we spontaneously see each other and we suddenly want each other and wanna like.

Rip each other's clo clothes off or whatever, and that happens in the movies, but it's very rare that it happens in real life, especially if you've been with a partner for a long time. the, the main sex organ that we have is the brain. so we have to decide to have sex and to create that desire in our brain first.

And sometimes we have to just [00:17:00] show up and decide to do it. And then we remember like, oh yeah, this is fun. I wanna do this. I love doing this with my partner. So don't necessarily, it's okay to to schedule it. And it's okay to decide, you know, we're gonna have sex tonight. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. 

but it is a really important part of a long, happy, satisfying marriage or long-term relationship.

So please pay attention to that. So I hope this was helpful. Key takeaways. Take care of yourself. Prioritize yourself and your own spark communication, emotional intimacy. Give each other attention and affection. Be interested in each other. Be intentional with reigniting that spark. Decide to do it. Be playful with each other and remember to have sex. 

 So this week I'm gonna invite you to take one small action to help you reignite the spark in your marriage. So maybe you want to plan a surprise date night or send your partner a flirty text [00:18:00] message. Or maybe you wanna decide to just reconnect with yourself and take a nice little bubble bath all by yourself.

Um, but anything that you can do, be creative. Think outside the box and see what small thing you can do this week to reignite the spark in your marriage or your long-term relationship. And remember, if you want help reigniting the connection and the spark in your marriage, you don't have to figure it out alone. I'm here to help. Just visit odette cornell.com and book a free introductory session or just send me an email life coach@odettecornell.com. I'd love to hear from you. And until next time, remember that your life and your love are yours to design.

I. [00:19:00]