EP. 8: After the Affair: Healing and Rebuilding After Infidelity with Luke Shillings
- odettecoronel
- Nov 19, 2025
- 10 min read
Updated: Jan 13
Have you and your partner ever dealt with infidelity? I typically help my clients before it ever gets to that point. Infidelity usually happens because there is a problem in the relationship. My clients and I work together on the everyday patterns and disconnections that, if not addressed, can slowly erode a marriage over time. However, my good friend and guest on this week’s podcast episode, Luke Shillings, helps his clients after the affair has happened. I invited Luke onto the podcast to pick his brain about what happens after the affair and if there’s a way to move forward after a spouse has been betrayed.
Meet Luke Shillings
Luke Shillings is a relationship and infidelity recovery coach and the host of The After the Affair Podcast. Drawing from personal experience and years of coaching individuals and couples, Luke helps people move from emotional chaos to clarity after betrayal. His work blends compassion with practicality, helping clients rebuild trust, identity, and authentic connection, whether they stay or leave.
In this week’s episode, we talk about healing and rebuilding after infidelity. Luke’s story is special because he has been through infidelity himself. His wife betrayed him, they separated and divorced, and years later, they reconnected and remarried. So infidelity doesn’t always mean the end of the relationship. If both parties want to work towards reconciliation, it can be the start of better communication, answering questions, and building an even stronger relationship than the one they had before. Listen to Luke’s episode to hear his thoughts on rebuilding after infidelity and how both parties can take responsibility for their part in the relationship.
The Journey of Healing
Infidelity is a painful experience. It can leave deep emotional scars. The journey of healing is not easy, but it is possible. Luke emphasizes that healing begins with understanding the underlying issues that led to the betrayal. Often, it’s not just about the act itself but the unmet needs and lack of communication that contribute to the breakdown of trust.
Understanding the Betrayal
When infidelity occurs, the betrayed partner often feels like they are the problem. They may ask themselves, “What did I do wrong?” or “Why wasn’t I enough?” However, Luke points out that the betrayal is more about the betrayer's internal struggles than the worth of the betrayed partner. It’s crucial to recognize that the unfaithful partner may not even be aware of their own needs or how to communicate them.
The Role of Communication
Communication is vital in any relationship, but it becomes even more critical after infidelity. Both partners must be willing to engage in open and honest conversations. This process can help rebuild trust and understanding. It’s essential to check in regularly and ensure that both partners feel heard and valued.
Rebuilding Trust
Rebuilding trust takes time and effort. It requires both partners to be committed to the process. Luke shares that after his own experience with infidelity, he and his wife had to redefine their relationship. They focused on transparency and regular check-ins to ensure they were aligned in their needs and desires.
Moving Forward Together
Infidelity can be a turning point in a relationship. It can lead to deeper understanding and connection if both partners are willing to work through the pain. Luke emphasizes that it’s not about returning to what was but creating something new and better. This journey can lead to a more authentic and fulfilling relationship.
The Importance of Self-Love
Self-love plays a crucial role in healing after infidelity. Both partners must take time to care for themselves and understand their emotions. This process can help them move from a place of pain to one of empowerment. Luke encourages individuals to embrace their feelings and recognize that it’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or confused.
Forgiveness as a Healing Tool
Forgiveness is a powerful tool in the healing process. It’s important to understand that forgiveness is for the individual, not the betrayer. Holding onto resentment can weigh heavily on the betrayed partner. By forgiving, they can release the burden and begin to heal. Luke reminds us that forgiveness does not mean condoning the behavior; it’s about letting go of the pain.
Conclusion: Designing Life and Love
The journey of healing after infidelity is complex but achievable. It requires commitment, communication, and a willingness to embrace discomfort. As Luke shares, “Don’t be afraid of the discomfort.” Embracing the challenges can lead to a more profound understanding of oneself and one’s partner.
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Transcript: EP. 8: After the Affair: Healing and Rebuilding After Infidelity with Luke Shillings
Odette: Welcome back to Life and Love by Design. I'm your host, Odette Cornell, and today I'm joined by Luke Shillings. Luke is a relationship and infidelity recovery coach and host of the After The Affair Podcast. Drawing from personal experience and years of coaching individuals and couples, Luke helps people move from emotional chaos to clarity after betrayal. His work blends compassion with practicality, helping clients rebuild trust, identity, and authentic connection, whether they stay or leave. So, welcome Luke. Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to have you on today, and I'm really excited about this conversation and see where it goes.
Luke: Yeah, me too. But before we get into the deep stuff, I want to start off with something light and fun. So tell me what's something recently that has made you smile or even laugh?
Luke: Oh wow. Okay. I'm presuming you have it in the US as well. The TV series The Traitors is on. I don't know whether you have it. I'm sure it's pretty big in the UK, and they're running a celebrity version of it at the moment. My partner and I have been consuming every possible component of it. There’s a kind of twisted irony given that what I do is help the betrayed partner overcome betrayal. The idea of the TV show, The Traitors, which is really about the faithful versus the traitors, makes for exciting post-episode analysis, which my partner and I enjoy very much.
Odette: Hmm. I don't know. I mean, we must have it here, so I'm gonna have to look it up. We'll talk afterward so you can tell me what network I can find it on. Sounds interesting. Speaking about that, tell me how it is that you became to specialize in helping people heal after infidelity. Tell me a little bit about your story.
Luke: Sure. I think with a lot of people I’ve come across over recent years, it's common to be driven by something that happened to themselves. Of course, that's no different for me. I experienced betrayal in my own marriage. It was something I really had not expected. I genuinely believed I was very happily married. It turns out that my wife was not in the same place. An affair led to our separation and divorce. Although unbeknownst to me at the time, it became a catalyst for me to do something different with a very difficult situation. I decided that I didn't want this experience to define me, so I turned it into something where I could help others. I've spent the last five or six years doing exactly that, helping hundreds, if not thousands of people in the process.
Odette: Yeah. That's amazing. You went through this experience, which I'm sure was very challenging to deal with, and you took that experience and decided, "I'm gonna help other people." I think that adds to your authenticity because you've been there.
Luke: You know, if I'm honest, it was never about healing me. That was not the purpose of my journey into this. But in many ways, it does pour good quality self-love into myself to help me through everything that I've experienced. Being an example of what's possible for people who have been betrayed is something I’ll always endeavor to do.
Odette: I love that—being an example of what is possible. Tell me a little bit about what you mean by that.
Luke: When we've experienced any difficult challenge in our life, particularly when we feel hard done by, it’s easy to want to run away from that discomfort. We bury ourselves in shame and guilt, asking relentless questions about how we didn't see it coming. We beat ourselves up relentlessly, which can keep us stuck. We can start to wear the identity of "I am a betrayed spouse" and even add the layer of "I'm a victim." While we are technically victims of circumstance, that's not an identity we want to embody moving forward. Being an example of what is possible means taking a difficult situation and using it to create something new. I’ve changed my life completely since that experience, and I can honestly say it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me despite the pain I had to go through initially.
Odette: That's an incredible journey. You're not just an example of what is possible, but you're an example of what I like to call living by design. You decided what you wanted to do with this difficult experience, and you designed something new instead of staying in a victim mindset.
Luke: Exactly. It’s easy to be angry and resistant at the world around us. Whether that be our partner's behaviors or other external circumstances, it’s easy to hold them responsible for our discomfort. But they are not in control of it; we are. Knowing that you have autonomy in your emotional experience is crucial.
Odette: Absolutely. I also work with couples, and while I don’t specialize in infidelity, I have worked with couples that have faced it. Many people assume that infidelity is just about sex, but it’s so much deeper than that. What do you want people to know about the deeper meaning behind betrayal?
Luke: From the betrayed partner's perspective, it often feels like they are the problem. They think this must mean something about them. But that’s virtually never the case. The betrayal is not about them; it was done for the betrayer's reasons. They may not even be aware of their own needs. We come into relationships carrying experiences and wounds that can affect how we approach the relationship. So, when something feels unfulfilled, the allure of another person can be appealing. The act of betrayal is often about connection or fulfilling unmet needs, not just about sex.
Odette: I agree. Both parties have a role in the disconnection, but the act of betrayal usually stems from the betrayer's unmet needs or unresolved issues.
Luke: Exactly. Both partners are responsible for how they show up in their relationship, irrespective of whether betrayal has occurred. However, the actions of one person are not the responsibility of the other. The unfaithful partner may have been going through their emotional experience for a long time before the betrayal is discovered. It’s like we’re playing the same game with different rules, making it hard to bridge the connection.
Odette: Yes, and the betrayed partner often feels like they’re not enough. It’s deeper than that. Emotional betrayal can be just as painful, like emotional affairs in the workplace.
Luke: Absolutely. Betrayal is ultimately the betrayal of trust. Trust is based on the belief that someone will act in a certain way, and when they fail to do so, that trust is broken. Infidelity can take many forms, from a one-off situation to a long-term affair.
Odette: Rebuilding trust is difficult but possible. It requires both partners to be committed to the process.
Luke: Yes, it can be quite the journey, but one worth taking, irrespective of the relationship's outcome.
Odette: You coach both the betrayed and the betrayer. What is that experience like?
Luke: It’s interesting because I can compartmentalize certain components. I focus on understanding the perspective of the unfaithful spouse. I try to understand their motivations without judgment. I realized that the betrayal was far less about me than I initially thought. Working with those who have been unfaithful helps me understand their experiences, which I can share with the betrayed spouses.
Odette: That makes sense. Understanding their perspective can help both partners heal.
Luke: Exactly. Infidelity can be viewed as a neutral circumstance until we apply meaning to it. It doesn’t mean you have to like what the other person did, but understanding can be beneficial moving forward.
Odette: And getting to that place takes time.
Luke: Of course. It’s okay to feel angry and to process your emotions. But it’s about not staying there and understanding what happened.
Odette: Right. We want to learn from the experience so it doesn’t happen again.
Luke: Yes, and it’s concerning when the betrayed spouse becomes a detective, constantly seeking information. While it’s natural to want certainty, too much information can be overwhelming.
Odette: Sometimes it’s not useful to know every detail.
Luke: Definitely not. Forgiveness is available regardless of whether you stay or leave. It’s ultimately for you, not the other person. Holding onto resentment is like carrying a heavy weight.
Odette: Oprah says forgiveness is about letting go of the wish that the past would have been different.
Luke: Exactly. Forgiveness is about releasing that burden. You don’t have to tell the other person you’ve forgiven them; it’s for your own healing.
Odette: So how do you define or design life and love for someone who has experienced betrayal?
Luke: Don’t be afraid of the discomfort. Embrace it; it’s there to teach you. Every emotion is a notification, a signal. The more we hide from those feelings, the harder it is to feel safe and loved. Accepting that being human includes all emotions is part of self-love.
Odette: I love that. Embracing discomfort makes us human.
Luke: Absolutely. The world will continually throw challenges at you. You can choose to remain disconnected and isolated, or you can choose to engage with your emotions and move forward.
Odette: This has been amazing. One last question for fun: What is a book or quote that is meaningful for you?
Luke: “Everything becomes clear after it’s happened.” We often seek clarity before it’s safe to move forward, but clarity comes after taking action.
Odette: I love that. Where can listeners find you and connect with you?
Luke: You can find me on The After the Affair Podcast on all major platforms or visit my Instagram page at @mylifecoachluke.
Odette: Thank you so much for being on. I hope you’ll come back again for another amazing conversation. Until next time, remember that your life and your love are yours to design.
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